Igor: You know, I’ll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him… the things he’d say to me.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What did he say?
Igor: “What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don’t you get out of there and give someone else a chance?”


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [dreaming] I am not a Frankenstein. I’m a Fronkensteen. Don’t give me that. I don’t believe in fate. And I won’t say it.
[pauses]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: All right, you win. You win. I give. I’ll say it. I’ll say it. I’ll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!


Frau Blücher: Would the doctor care for a brandy before retiring?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No. Thank you.
Frau Blücher: Some varm milk… perhaps?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No… thank you very much. No thanks.
Frau Blücher: Ovaltine?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: NOTHING! Thank you! I’m a little – tired!
Frau Blücher: Then I vill say… goodnight.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Goodnight.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That music…
Frau Blücher: Yes. It’s in your blood – it’s in the blood of ALL Frankensteins. It reaches the soul when words are useless. Your grandfather used to play it to the creature HE vas making.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Then it was you all the time.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You played that music in the middle of the night…
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: …to get us to the laboratory.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That was YOUR cigar smoldering in the ashtray.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: And it was you… who left my grandfather’s book out for me to find.
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: So that I would…
Frau Blücher: Yes.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Then you and Victor were…
Frau Blücher: YES. YES. Say it. He vas my… BOYFRIEND.


[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What knockers.
Inga: Oh, thank you doctor.


[Dr. Frankenstein leans in for a kiss]
Elizabeth: Taffeta, darling.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Taffeta, sweetheart.
Elizabeth: [pulling away] No, the dress is taffeta. It wrinkles so easily.


[Froederick and Igor are exhuming a dead criminal]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What a filthy job.
Igor: Could be worse.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How?
Igor: Could be raining.
[it starts to pour]


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius.


Igor: Dr. Frankenstein…
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: “Fronkensteen.”
Igor: You’re putting me on.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, it’s pronounced “Fronkensteen.”
Igor: Do you also say “Froaderick”?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No… ”Frederick.”
Igor: Well, why isn’t it “Froaderick Fronkensteen”?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It isn’t; it’s “Frederick Fronkensteen.”
Igor: I see.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor.
[He pronounces it ee-gor]
Igor: No, it’s pronounced “eye-gor.”
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was “ee-gor.”
Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren’t they?


Inga: Werewolf!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Werewolf?
Igor: There.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What?
Igor: There, wolf. There, castle.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Why are you talking that way?
Igor: I thought you wanted to.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, I don’t want to.
Igor: [shrugs] Suit yourself. I’m easy.


Medical Student: Isn’t it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extrordinary means, it actually began to move with voluntary motion?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
[the class laughs]
Medical Student: Why, the worm, sir.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes, I did read something of that incident when I was a student, but you have to remember that a worm… with very few exceptions… is not a human being.
Medical Student: But wasn’t that the whole basis of your grandfather’s work? The reanimation of dead tissue?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: My grandfather was a very sick man.
Medical Student: But as a Fronkensteen, aren’t you the least bit curious about it? Doesn’t the bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue to you?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind! Dead is dead!
Medical Student: But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys…
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I am talking about the central nervous system!


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: What is this place?
Igor: Music room?
[tunes violin]


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you ready?
Igor: Are you sure this is how they did it?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes! It’s all written down in the notes! Now tie off the kites and hurry down as fast as you can!
Igor: What’s the hurry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: There’s a possibility of electrocution! Do you understand?
[no answer, shouts]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I said, there is a possibility of electrocution! Do you understand?
Igor: [suddenly appears next to Fredrick] I understand. I understand. Why are you shouting?


Igor: What is this?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Schwartzwalder Kirchtorte.
The Monster: [off-screen] MMMMMMM!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh, do you like it? I’m not partial to desserts myself, but this is excellent.
Igor: Who are you talking to?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: To you. You just made a yummy sound, so I thought you liked the dessert.
Igor: I didn’t make a yummy sound, I just asked you what it is.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But you did. I just heard it.
Igor: It wasn’t me.
Inga: It wasn’t me.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well, now look here. If it wasn’t you, and it wasn’t you…
[he asks himself]
The Monster: [off-camera] Mmmmmm!


Igor: Sed-a…
Inga: Sed-a…
Igor: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Sit down, won’t you?
[Igor sits on the floor]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, no, up here.
[Igor gets up onto a stool]


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Gone! Gone! We’ve got to find him, you understand? We’ve got to find him before he kills someone! What have I done? Oh God in Heaven! What have I done?


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: My fellow scienti…
Audience: Ssssssssssssssss!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: …tists – and neurosurgeons, ladies and gentlemen. A few short weeks ago, coming from a background, believe me, as conservative and traditionally grounded in scientific fact as any of you, I began an experiment in, incredulous as it may sound, the reanimation of dead tissue.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Please! Remain in your seats, I beg you! We are not children here, we are scientists! I assure you there is nothing to fear!


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Please, I beg you! For safety’s sake, don’t humiliate him!


Frau Blücher: I came to tell you that your fiance should be arriving any second!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [shirtless] Elizabeth! Here, tonight?
Frau Blücher: I suggest you put on a tie!


Elizabeth: No tongues.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Have all the preperations been made for the transference?
Inga: Yes, doctor.
Igor: Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It’s the only thing that can save him now.
Igor: You realize you’re risking both your lives?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [plays a sour note] Yes.


Inga: Hold on to your hat! I’ll be right back.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [literally holds onto his hat] I’m holding onto it, Darling!
Inga: Just a few more seconds.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Damn your eyes.
Igor: [to camera] Too late.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.
Inga: His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Exactly.
Inga: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That goes without saying.
Inga: Voof.
Igor: He’s going to be very popular.


[after sex with The Monster]
Elizabeth: Oh. Where you going?… Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you’re out with the boys to boast and brag. YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Oh… I think I love him.


[Upon seeing the monster’s manhood]
Elizabeth: Oh my God. Woof.


[in Victor Frankenstein’s laboratory]
Igor: [sings] I ain’t got no body, and nobody cares for me. Yakka tak ta a yakka tak ta ha!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor.
Igor: Froedrick.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How did you get here?
Igor: Through the dumbwaiter.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You know, I’m a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?


[as monster runs out the door]
The Blindman: Wait. Where are you going? I was going to make Espresso.


Inspector Kemp: Vee had better confeerm de fect dat Yunk Frankenshtein iss indeed VALLOWING EEN EES GANDFADDA’S VOOTSHTAPS.
Villagers: What?
Inspector Kemp: Following in his grandfather’s footsteps, footsteps, footsteps.
Villagers: Ohhh. Footsteps.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!
Medical Student: But what about your grandfather’s work, sir?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: My grandfather’s work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life!
[jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Class… is… dismissed.


Inspector Kemp: A riot is an ungly thing… undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.


Igor: Wait Master, it might be dangerous… you go first.


Inspector Kemp: Let’s all go have some sponge cake and a little wine…
[his mechanical arm slips off]
Inspector Kemp: and shit.


[Friedrich arrives at the Transylvania station]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Pardon me, boy. Is this the Transylvania station?
Shoe-Shine Boy: Ja, ja. Track 29. Can I give you a shine?


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: LIFE! DO YOU HEAR ME? GIVE MY CREATION… LIFE!


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door.
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Igor: Nice working with ya.
[Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The Monster wakes up]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What’s the matter with you people? I was joking! Don’t you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I’ll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!


Inga: You haven’t even touched your food.
[Frederick explodes and slaps on his food]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: There. Now I’ve touched it. Happy?


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [singing] If you’re blue, and you don’t know where to go to, why don’t you go where fashion sits…
The Monster: ‘UTTIN’ ON THE ‘IIIIITZ.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to Inga from behind the bookcase] Put… the candle… back!


Inga: Put… ze candle… *back*!


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well, dear, are you ready?
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Elevate me.
Inga: Now? Right here?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes, yes, raise the platform.
Inga: Oh. Ze platform. Oh, zat, yah, yah… yes.


[after failing to bring the creature to life]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Nothing.
Inga: Oh, Doctor, I’m sorry.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace.
[starts beating up the creature]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Son of a bitch! Bastard! I’ll get you for this! What did you do to me? What did you do to me.
Inga: Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You’ll kill him!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I don’t want to live. I do not want to live.
Igor: Quiet dignity and grace
[rolls eyes]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Oh… mama…


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Eyegor.
Igor: Froadrick.


The Monster: For as long as I can remember people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which is my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear. I live because this poor half-crazed genius, has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful and then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to The Monster] Hello handsome. You’re a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because… they are jealous. Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a God. And listen to me, you are not evil. You… are… good.
[the Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frederick Frankenstein hugs him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother’s angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him. I’m going to teach you. I’m going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire.
Inga: [from outside] Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right!
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: MY NAME IS FRANKENSTEIN!


[as she holds a candle holder with 3 unlit candles]
Frau Blücher: Stay close to the candles. The stairway can be… treacherous.


Igor: I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just… followed it down. Call it… a hunch. Ba-dum chi.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well it seems as if our mysterious violinist has disa…
[sees something]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: puh.
Inga: Disa what?
Igor: -ppeared.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Shh.


[the trio find an abandoned violin]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well this explains the music.
Igor: It’s still warm.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, “I am man.”, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.


[following Igor’s botched attempt to interpret Dr. Frankenstein’s charade clues while being attacked by the monster]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: SEDA-GIVE?


Frau Blücher: I am Frau Blücher.
[horses whinny]


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: My grandfather… was a very… SICK… man.


[after he brings the creature to life]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Alive! It’s alive! It’s alive!


Frau Blücher: Good night, Herr Doktor.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Good night, Frau Blücher.
[horses whinny]


Igor: Where are you going?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: To wash up. I’ve got to look normal.
[his bowtie pops open]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: We’ve all of us got to behave normally.


Igor: It’s gonna be a long night. If you need any help with the girls, I’ll be…


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: HE’S GOT A ROTTEN BRAIN! IT’S ROTTEN, I TELL YA! ROTTEN!
The Monster: RAAAAAAAA!
Igor: Ixnay on the ottenray.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, help me with the bags.
Igor: [Imitating Groucho Marx] Soitenly. You take the blonde, I’ll take the one in the turban.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I was talking about the luggage.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Nice hopping.


Igor: Two nasty lookin’ switches over there, but I’m not going to be the first.


Elizabeth: [singing, while having sex with the monster] Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!


The Monster: [picks last petal off a flower and throws it into the well]
Little Girl: Now throw a kiss and say “Bye bye.”
The Monster: [throws kiss, waves, and grunts “bye bye”]
Little Girl: Oh dear. Nothing left. What shall we throw in now?


Inspector Kemp: [holds up his wooden arm] To the lumber yard!


[from inside the haycart]
Inga: Hallo. Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay?
[Dr. Frankenstein stutters]
Inga: It’s fun.
[She begins to roll in the hay]
Inga: Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to Igor] Now that brain that you gave me. Was it Hans Delbruck’s?
Igor: [pause, then] No.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Ah! Very good. Would you mind telling me whose brain I DID put in?
Igor: Then you won’t be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
Igor: Abby Someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby Someone. Abby who?
Igor: Abby Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [pause, then] Abby Normal?
Igor: I’m almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [chuckles, then] Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
[grabs Igor and starts throttling him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Is that what you’re telling me?


Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I thought I told you never to interrupt me while I’m working!


The Blindman: Wait! Where are you going?… I was going to make espresso!

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