Cyn: Whaddya need speech class for, ya tawk fine!
Tess: [Mick has bought Tess some lingerie for her birthday] Y’know, Mick, just once I could go for like a sweater or some earrings… something that I could actually wear outside of this apartment?
[Typed in ticker at office]
Tess: David Lutz is a sleazoid pimp with a tiny dick.
Tess: Well, he is.
Tess : Wasn’t my fault.
Personnel Director: Where’ve I heard THAT before?
Tess : Ruth, lookit – I’m thirty years old. Took me five years of night school, but I got my degree and I got it with honors; I *know* I could do a job. I mean, you ask any of my bosses – even, even Lutz! – if Tess McGill hasn’t called a few.
Personnel Director: YOU ask ’em. I don’t think they’re gonna sing your praises, Tess.
Tess: I read alot of things. You never know where a big idea is gonna come from.
Katherine Parker: Ugh! What a slob.
Tess : You were so smooth with him.
Katherine Parker: Never burn bridges. Today’s junior prick, tomorrow’s senior partner!
Tess : What if he doesn’t?… pop the question?
Katherine Parker: I really don’t think that’s a variable. We’re in the same city now, I’ve indicated that I’m receptive to an offer, I’ve cleared the month of June… and I am, after all, me.
[While being caught with Doreen naked on top of him.]
Mick: Tess, this is not what it looks like. Well, it is what it looks like.
Tess: Hello, Mr Traina’s awffice, pleaze. Hello. Tess McGill calling from Penny Marshall. May I put her through? Thank you.
Cynthia: Why does it do that?
Tess : Cleaning…
Cynthia: Are you kiddin’ me?
Cynthia: It needs some bows or something.
Tess: No, it’s simple, elegant, yet makes a statement.
[Looking at the price tag of the dress.]
Cynthia: Six thousand dollars? It’s not even leatha!
Cynthia: Let’s see if she’s got anything soothing.
Cynthia: Valium, in the convenient economy size.
Tess: Are you sure?
Cynthia: Just chills ya eva so slightly
Jack : You’re the first woman I’ve seen in one of these things that dresses like a woman, not like a woman thinks a man would dress if he was a woman.
Tess : Thank you I guess.
Tess: OK. One drink, but I’m buying.
Jack: OK but it’s an open bar.
[toasting with tequila]
Jack: Power to the people.
Tess: The little people.
Tess: [after taking a couple shots of tequila, on top of Valium recommended by Cynthia] Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy… mmm…
Jack : You ok?
Tess: Mmm… fine… I took an “antihistamine” before and it makes for a nice little buzz.
[in the bar]
Tess : I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?
Jack : Uh, no. No.
Tess : Shoot me, shoot me.
Cyn: Will you cut that out, they didn’t throw you out did they?
Tess : They don’t exactly have bouncers at these things, they’re a little more subtle than that.
Cyn: Let’s give her a shout, shall we? You decent?
Cyn: Can I get ya anything? Coffee? Tea? Me?
[the morning after Tess passed out from drinking]
Tess : What did happen, exactly?
Jack : The earth moved. The angels wept. The Polaroids are, are, uh…
[gropes about in his coat pockets]
Jack : are in my other coat.
Jack : Nothing happened. Nothing happened!
Tess : You know, maybe I just don’t like you.
Jack : Me? Naaah!
[At Cyn’s engagement party]
Mick: You look good. Classy. Whadya have to go to traffic court or something?
Mick: Tess, will you marry me?
Tess : Maybe.
Mick: Ya call that an answer?
Tess : You want another answer, ask another girl.
Tess : I am not steak. You cant just order me.
Tess : [pretending to be her boss] I know what I’m doing.
Cynthia: Yeah, screwing up your life.
Tess : No, I’m trying to make it better! I’m not gonna spend the rest of my life working my ass off and getting nowhere just because I followed rules that I had nothing to do with setting up, OK?
Cyn: Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn’t make me Madonna. Never will.
[To Oren Trask’s daughter when asked her opinion of the wedding dress.]
Tess: It’s just like paradise. It’s like paradise with little gold palm trees.
Jack: Oren Trask? The man who said “What if we sliced the bread before we sold it?
[about Jack’s chin scar]
Tess : How did you get the scar?
Jack : Some guy pulled a knife in Detroit.
Tess : Really?
Jack: No. No. I was nineteen and I thought it’d be cool to have a pierced ear. My girlfriend stuck the needle through and I heard this pop and fainted and hit my chin on the toilet.
[Upon reading Tess’ day planner]
Katherine Parker: Why that little… slut! Bitch! Secretary!
Katherine: Jack, I forgive you. Now get on the elevator.
Tess : [to Katherine] Look, you, maybe you’ve got everyone around here fooled with this saint act you have going, but do not ever speak to me again like we don’t know what really happened, you got me?
Katherine Parker: Tess, this is business. Let’s just bury the hatchet, okay?
Tess: You know where you can bury your hatchet? Now get your bony ass outta my sight!
Oren Trask: Now get your – what was that you called it?
Tess McGill, Jack Trainer: Bony ass.
Oren Trask: Right – your bony ass out of my sight!
Tess : You can bend the rules plenty once you get to the top, but not while you’re trying to get there. And if you’re someone like me, you can’t get there without bending the rules.
Oren Trask: You’ve got a real fire in your belly, or was this just a one-time stunt that you pulled?
Tess : I’m not quite sure what you mean, sir. I’ve got something in my belly, but I think it’s nervous knots.
Oren Trask: Gumption, Miss McGill.
Jack: For you, like it? Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, milk money, twinkies, pen, pencil, ruler, apple for the teacher. Now remember, play nice with the other kids and be sure you’re home before dark.
Alice Baxter: Uhm, Ms. McGill?
Tess : Yes.
Alice Baxter: [pointing to private office] That’s your desk… in there…
Tess : I don’t think so.
Alice Baxter: Oh, yes.
Tess : Sorry, I thought the secretary would sit out here…
Alice Baxter: That’s right, I’m the secretary. If you don’t mind, I’d prefer assistant.
Tess : [on the phone] Cyn! Guess where I am…
Cyn: [stands up, screams to secretaries] She got out! Oh my god! I can’t believe it, she’s out – she made it out! She got out! She has her own office!