Mr. White: You guys look great in black, have I told you that?
Mr. White: You guys look great in gold, have I told you that?
Mr. White: You guys look great in red, have I told you that?
Lenny: Where was I? Oh yeah, playing songs on my guitar.
Guy: Yeah, we were pretty wild up in Erie, Penn.
Lenny: Yeah, there was this one time, we stayed up way past midnight.
Villapiano: Know what this is?
Lenny: [pauses] Presidential flashcards?
Villapiano: A bonus. And do you know why?
Lenny: I have no idea.
Villapiano: To entice you back!… The word is out on you o-NEE-ders!
Lenny: Hey, that’s o-NEH-ders!
Heckler: Hey, when are you gonna play “That Thing You Do!”?
Lenny: Has our fame preceded us?
Heckler: We came here to meet girls and dance, and we can’t meet girls until we dance!
Lenny: Alrght, this seems like an opportune moment to pick it up a little. Here’s one for the kid in the back…
Jimmy: [Speaking about Diane Dane ] She told me never trust a label. And I’m beginning to believe her.
Lenny: Well, sure. I mean, come on. They put us up in a first class hotel, all expenses paid, while our record climbs the charts; bunch of lyin’ snakes.
Jimmy: Sorry I’m buggin’ you! I guess I’m alone in my principles.
[leaves the room]
Lenny: Oh come on. Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that hit song “Alone in my principles.”
Mr. White: I don’t want any of this lover’s lament crap. I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy.
Jimmy: [smiles and sings] I… I quit… I quit… I quit…
Jimmy: I quit, Mr. White.
Lenny: I play a lot of cards. Obviously. Wanna see my deck?
[he flashes his cards]
Lenny: See? You gotta be quick! You gotta be quick with me! I’m from Erie, P.A.!
Freddy Fredrickson: Miss Diane Dane! There she is. Diane Dane. Look at that dress, huh? That’s a… that’s a… gold dress.
[during TV interview with band]
Lenny Haise: Oh, I’m not here with these fellas. I’ve got a pig in competition over at the livestock pavilion, and I am going to win that blue ribbon!
Faye: You mean actually make a record? A record record, record?
Mr. White: You know, Horace was right about you, Guy; you are the smart one. Lenny is the fool, Jimmy is the… talent, and Faye is… well, now, Faye is special, isn’t she? And you are the smart one. That’s what I think, anyway.
Lenny Haise: You see, we’re not “The Wonders” right now. We’re “Cap’n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters”.
Lenny: [when asked what The Wonders’ musical influences are] Cap’n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters.
Dell Paxton: Ain’t no way to keep a band together. Bands come and go. You got to keep on playin’, no matter with who.
[after Guy has gotten into a conversation with his idol, Del Paxton]
Marguerite: Look at you. You’re no good to me now.
Faye: Was she a good kisser?
Guy: It would be ungentlemanly of me to elaborate.
Faye: Gentleman. I’d forgotten what you guys looked like.
Guy Patterson: When was the last time you were decently kissed? I mean, truly, truly, good and kissed?
Mr. White: Any questions? Don’t ask. I’m tired of talking to you and I want to sleep.
[Asked whether his shades are prescription or just to look cool]
Guy: Well, I am the drummer.
Faye: I thought you already decided on The Echoes?
Jimmy: Nah, some band in Buffalo’s the Echoes. And I wasn’t wild about that.
Lenny: Let’s just call us The Band You’re About To Hear.
Chad: How about The Corvettes?
Jimmy: Is that The Corvettes, or the Chordvettes?
Chad: No, Corvettes, like the car.
Jimmy: Well see, I was thinking *Chord*vettes… like chords in our music.
Lenny: [Guy walks in] Is that Skitch Patterson?
Chad: Here he is, Erie’s lone beatnik.
The Bass Player: How about the Tempos? Ya know, tempos?
Lenny: Not the Tempos. I was in a band already called The Tempos, we were… terrible.
Chad: Hey Guy, weren’t you the drummer for the Tempos?
Guy: Heard that.
Lenny: Looks like Lenny’s goin’ fishing.
[When Jimmy is reluctant to sign a management contract]
Lenny: Are you crazy? A man in a really nice camper wants to put our song on the radio! Gimme a pen, I’m signin’! You’re signin’! We’re all signin’!
Mr. Patterson: Darlene, you just got promoted.
Darlene Patterson: You mean you’re gonna start paying me?
Mr. Patterson: I didn’t say that.
Mr. White: Next, this “Oneders”, with the O-N-E, it doesn’t work. It’s confusing. From now on, you boys’ll just be… simply The Wonders.
Lenny: As in, I *wonder* what happened to the O’Needers?
Lenny: Hey, wasn’t that our fan?
Faye: I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you – kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don’t mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.
Lenny Haise: So how long have you worked at Play-tone?
Receptionist: How long have you been wearing such tight pants?
Lenny Haise: Hey, if that’s a pick-up line we’re a match made in heaven.
Guy Patterson: I’m Guy Patterson, I’m from Erie, Pennsylvania, I’m in a band called The Wonders and we just cut a record, we’re out here on the coast and I play the drums and I have all your records well not all of them but a lot of them but ah at least I did until some of them got swiped when I was stationed in Germany and you were playing in Germany at the time that I was stationed there, but you know what I couldn’t see you because you were playing in Hamburg and I was stationed in Munich but I listen to your records and I think you’re great.
[takes a breath]
Guy Patterson: You are my biggest fan.
Dell Paxton: Thanks.
Mr. White: It is very important that you don’t stink today.
Lenny Haise: Hey, I make no guarantees.
[after Faye has just broken up with Jimmy]
Jimmy: Shoulda dumped you in Pittsburgh!
[He gets up]
Jimmy: Which one of you butts said we were engaged?
Mr. White: The same person who said you had class, Jimmy.
Lenny Haise: You’re talking gibberish!
Lenny: Skitch. How did we get here?
Guy: I led you here, sir, for I am Spartacus.
[Reading an ad from a competing megamart]
Mr. Patterson: Open Saturday ten to ten. Open Sunday twelve to six… open on Sunday from twelve to six! You know, I don’t believe I want to live in a country where you stay open on Sunday to business. You shouldn’t have to work on Sunday to support your family.
Guy Patterson: But we still have a hit record.
Mr. White: Yes, you do.
Mr. White: The one-hit Wonders.
[looks at Guy]
Mr. White: A very common tale.
Lenny: He’s got a very pretty girlfriend there, huh?
Chrissy: Is it serious, do you know?
Lenny: Very serious… I’m single!
Chrissy: [thoughtful pause] What about the bass player?
Lenny: He’s married!
Guy: Hey, Uncle Bob?… When are we gonna get these records?
Uncle Bob: [thinks] Ah… Luke 21:19
The Bass Player: Let your patience possess ye your souls.
Lenny: Luke? Who’s Luke? When are we gettin the records?
Uncle Bob: Wednesday.
The Bass Player: Guys, Chad fell down.
Phil: I’m talking about Rock ‘N’ Roll shows in Steubenville, Youngstown, Pittsburgh, places like that.
The Bass Player: Pittsburgh?
Mr. White: [after movie gig] Good news guys. You get to keep your wardrobe.
Talent Show Emcee: Hey, how do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?
Heckler: You’re a jerk Ken!
Talent Show Emcee: You say HEY, would you like to buy a chicken?
Heckler: Eat my shorts Ken!
Talent Show Emcee: Shut up! I’ll kick your ass!
Lenny: [girls climb on top of car] Well… *I* like Wisconsin.
Jimmy: We were wondering if you’d like to fill in for Chad just for tonight.
Lenny: Asshole… just broke his arm!
Lenny: Thank you, Illinois! The Land of Lincoln!
Mr. White: [as Lenny crunches loudly on a piece of candy] Lenny, why don’t you go and see if you can visit the cockpit? Tell them it’s your birthday. Go! Go! Go!
Lenny: Well let’s just call us “The Band You’re About to Hear”
Guy: If Jimmy’s a genius, I’m U Thant.
The Bass Player: Who’s U Thant?
Guy: He’s the Secre… forget it.
Mr. White: Good morning, Guy. We have a crisis here – your bass player has disappeared, and you are still in bed! Just calling to tell you to get your patootie down to the television studio! You’re gonna be on TV tonight!
Jimmy: [he’s just written “Oneders”] See – the Oneders, Lenny.
Lenny: Yeah, but it looks like the O’Needers.
Jimmy: No, no, no – the Oneders.
Lenny: Got it. Looks like the O’Needers.
Victor ‘Boss Vic Koss’ Kosslovich: Hello, Pittsburrrrrgh!
[crowd cheers as he dances across the stage]
Victor ‘Boss Vic Koss’ Kosslovich: Hello, Pittsburgh, hello!
Crowd: Boss Vic Koss!
Victor ‘Boss Vic Koss’ Kosslovich: Who am I?
Crowd: Boss Vic Koss!
Victor ‘Boss Vic Koss’ Kosslovich: Thanks for remembering, Pittsburgh, we’ve got a great show for you today, a big show, a king-sized show! Which reminds me, how’re you sleepin’?
Guy: I hadn’t played in front of people in so long, so I was nervous, but it sounds better fast. Jimmy wanted it slow, but he was wrong, it’s an up-tempo number. And we won!
Jimmy: [strums on his guitar] It just appeared, like magic, for the whole world to see.
Faye: I didn’t say anything, I was just as surprised as you.
Jimmy: ‘Careful, girls, he’s engaged.’ Am I supposed to buy you some diamond ring now?
Faye: You’re ruining this beautiful moment.
Jimmy: Where’d you get the idea that we’re engaged? We’re not! Last thing I need in the world!
Guy: The only other band I was in was my uncle’s band. We played in this wedding for free, then we broke up.
Guy: [after the mantinee at Orpheum] I was playing like one of those little wind-up monkey toys. They booed us off the stage, Phil! Jimmy couldn’t even hear how off-key he was.
Phil Horace: You’re gonna get it all back tonight, I promise you.
Mr. White: All right, this is it. Now – if the crowd doesn’t go wild for you, don’t worry about it. They will tomorrow!
Mr. White: We bow, right? In unison, and we’re off the stage before the applause dies out.
Jimmy: Well, what if they want an encore?
Mr. White: You unplug and you run, run offstage! Smiling, smiling, of course.
Mr. White: ‘That Thing You Do’ is the fastest rising hit single in the history of the Playtone label. As of tomorrow morning, you Wonders – you’ve got the #7 record in the country.
Mr. White: Put your glasses on, Shades. Give ’em what they want.
Villapiano: [spotting Guy in the audience] Hey, Ringo, showtime. Come on, you should’ve been on five minutes ago.
Lamarr: Did I check you in with a quartet of gentlemen? And why aren’t they here to take care of your needs?
Faye: They’re off making a major motion picture.
Lamarr: We’ve got movie stars in my hotel!
Faye: They’re musicians, actually.
Lamarr: Even better!
Jimmy: [Lenny taps his mic before their performance at the Orpheum] Hey, hey! The mic’s not on!
Lenny Haise: [going backstage to Boss Vic Koss] We – the mic’s not working. The mic isn’t working.
Victor ‘Boss Vic Koss’ Kosslovich: All right, who am I not payin’ back here? Come on!
[turns on their mics, but the audience complains from the feedback]
Lenny Haise: [the mic feedback fades] Thank you. Thank you. We’re the Oneders.
Victor ‘Boss Vic Koss’ Kosslovich: Will you play some friggin’ music? C’mon!
[Guy starts playing, but his crash cymbal crashes to the stage, and the audience laughs; he and Lenny right the cymbal again]
Victor ‘Boss Vic Koss’ Kosslovich: Right nowww!
Jimmy: [after their gig at “Weekend at Party Pier”] Hey, do we have a Top 10 record?
Mr. White: You sure do.
Jimmy: Well then, we shouldn’t be here.
Mr. White: Jimmy, you’d rather be back on that state fair tour? They’re playing in North Dakota this week.
Guy: [first lines; phone rings at Patternson’s] Patterson’s.
Mr. Patterson: What’s going on down there?
Mr. Patterson: Harriet Priestly just called your mama. Her husband drove by the store and said the lights are still on. What are the lights still doing on?
Guy: Cookin’ the books as usual, Dad.
Mr. Patterson: The sign, Guy. The sign is still on. Are we open for business all night now?
Guy: Uh, no. Sorry, I’ll uh, turn that right off.
Mr. Patterson: Is that music playing on one of them store hi-fis?
Guy: I’ll turn that right off, too.
Mr. Patterson: [mimicking] ‘Turn that off, too.’
Mr. White: [after Jimmy leaves the studio after the Hollywood Television Showcase] Jimmy just quit. Your band is falling apart, Guy. Where’s Lenny?
Guy: I have no idea.
Talent Show Emcee: [after the brass quintet performs] All right, yeah, listen to that applause! Whaddya say, Miss Talent Show? Extra good? No, Super! Very good, that definitely makes the Legends of Brass, of Phi Kappa Epsilon waaaay over there at Gannon College, our front-runners!
Lamarr: Get in the cab… GET IN THE CAB!