[Jay is helping Sam get back into the dating scene]
Sam Baldwin: What is “tiramisu”?
Jay: You’ll find out.
Sam Baldwin: Well, what is it?
Jay: You’ll see!
Sam Baldwin: Some woman is gonna want me to do it to her and I’m not gonna know what it is!
Jay: Gunga Din is not a, a swatch kind of movie.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there’s someone out there you could love as much as your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that’s hard to imagine.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together… and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home… only to no home I’d ever known… I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like… magic.
[the Taxi Driver takes Jonah to the Empire State Building]
Taxi Driver: There it is. What are you gonna do when you get up there? Spit off the top?
Jonah Baldwin: No, I’m gonna meet my new mother.
Annie Reed: Now that was when people KNEW how to be in love. They knew it! Time, distance… nothing could separate them because they knew. It was right. It was real. It was…
Becky: A movie! That’s your problem! You don’t want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.
Becky: Verbal ability is a highly overrated thing in a guy, and it’s our pathetic need for it that gets us into so much trouble.
Jonah Baldwin: Talk to her, dad. She’s a doctor.
Sam Baldwin: Of what? Her first name could be Doctor.
Jay: Well, this is fate! She’s divorced, we don’t want to redo the cabinets, and you need a wife. What do they call it when everything intersects?
Sam Baldwin: The Bermuda Triangle.
Jonah Baldwin: Thanks for dinner. I’ve never seen potatoes cooked like that before.
Jessica: I am telling them you’re twelve so you can fly unaccompanied and the stewardess won’t carry you around and stuff like that.
Jonah Baldwin: Are you crazy! Who’d believe I’m twelve?
Jessica: If it’s in the computer, they believe anything.
Jonah Baldwin: Are you sure?
Jessica: Do you want me to say that you are really really short for your age and they shouldn’t say anything because it would hurt your feelings.
Jonah Baldwin: Yeah, that’s a great idea!
Annie Reed: When a man is a widower why do we say he was widowed? Why don’t we say he was widowered?
Walter: Marriage is hard enough without bringing such low expectations into it.
Sam Baldwin: Well I’m not looking for a mail-order bride! I just want somebody I can have a decent conversation with over dinner. Without it falling down into weepy tears over some movie!
Greg: She’s, as you just saw, very emotional.
Sam Baldwin: Although I cried at the end of “the Dirty Dozen.”
Greg: Who didn’t?
Sam Baldwin: Jim Brown was throwing these hand grenades down these airshafts. And Richard Jaeckel and Lee Marvin
[Begins to cry]
Sam Baldwin: were sitting on top of this armored personnel carrier, dressed up like Nazis…
Greg: [Crying too] Stop, stop!
Sam Baldwin: And Trini Lopez…
Greg: Yes, Trini Lopez!
Sam Baldwin: He busted his neck while they were parachuting down behind the Nazi lines…
Sam Baldwin: And Richard Jaeckel – at the beginning he had on this shiny helmet…
Greg: [Crying harder] Please no more. Oh God! I loved that movie.
Sam Baldwin: Didn’t you see Fatal Attraction?
Jonah Baldwin: You wouldn’t let me!
Sam Baldwin: Well I saw it and it scared the shit out of me. It scared the shit out of every man in America.
Sam Baldwin: So, how’s my butt?
Annie: This was mailed before I went to Seattle. Before the ho.
Jessica: H and G.
[Sam peers back at her]
Jessica: Hi and goodbye.
Annie: I don’t deserve you.
Walter: Well, I wouldn’t put it that way, but… okay.
Sam Baldwin: [looking at a photograph] She looks like my third grade teacher, and I hated my third grade teacher… wait a minute, she IS my third grade teacher!
Becky: Your destiny can be your doom. Look at me and my Rick.
Co-Worker: It’s easier to be killed by a terrorist than it is to find a husband over the age of 40!
Annie: That statistic is not true!
Becky: That’s right it’s not true, but it feels true.
Dennis Reed: Annie, when you’re attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match.
Dennis Reed: It rains nine months a year in Seattle.
Annie Reed: I know!
Jonah Baldwin: A ho! A ho! My dad’s been captured by a ho!
Annie Reed: Sam, It’s nice to meet you.
Sam Baldwin: I am NOT going to New York to meet some woman who could be a crazy, sick lunatic! Didn’t you see Fatal Attraction?
Sam Baldwin: I’ll tell you what I’m doing this weekend, I’m getting laid. It’s the 1990’s and nobody’s getting laid. I’m the only man in America who’s getting laid this weekend and I haven’t been laid that much. Six girls in college, maybe seven.
[sees Jonah standing in the doorway]
Sam Baldwin: How long have you been standing there?
Jonah Baldwin: Forever.
Sam Baldwin: What did you just hear me say?
Jonah Baldwin: Six girls in college, maybe seven.
Sam Baldwin: Seven… EIGHT! Mary Kelly.
Jonah Baldwin: [holds Annie’s letter] This is the one I like!
[Jonah is missing]
Jessica’s Father: Jessica, this is your father. Tell us where he is, right this minute!
Sam Baldwin: What’s that?
Jessica’s Father: “No way.”
Sam Baldwin: That’s “N.W.”!
Jessica: New York. He’s on his way to New York.
Jessica’s Mother: What? How?
Jessica: United, Flight 597.
[on an airplane to Seattle]
Nervous Woman on Airplane: Don’t you just hate flying?
Annie Reed: Yes, I do, and I just told the most terrible one to the man I’m about to marry. Do you feel that any lie is a betrayal?
Nervous Woman on Airplane: I said FLYING.
Jonah Baldwin: If you get a new wife, I guess you’ll get to have sex with her, huh?
Sam Baldwin: I certainly hope so.
Jonah Baldwin: Will she scratch up your back?
Sam Baldwin: [shocked] What?
Jonah Baldwin: In the movies, women are always scratching up the men’s back and screaming and stuff when they’re having sex.
Sam Baldwin: How do you know all this?
Jonah Baldwin: Jed’s got cable.
Sam Baldwin: Oh.
Walter: [finding Annie in closet in a red robe and with radio] It was Miss Scarlet, in the closet, with a radio.
Walter: [giving Annie an engagement ring] It was my grandmother’s. I had them size it down. She had really fat fingers.