William: No, I don’t, actually. What’s that?
Anna Scott: Big feet… large shoes.
[who will get the last brownie?]
Anna Scott: Wait, what about me?
Max: Sorry, you think *you* deserve the brownie?
Anna Scott: Well a shot at it at least huh?
William: Well, you’ll have to fight me for it, this is a very good brownie.
Anna Scott: I’ve been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I’ve been hungry for a decade. I’ve had a series of not nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it’s entertainment. And it’s taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.
Anna Scott: Really. And, one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can’t act and I will become some sad middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
Max: [long pause] Nah, nice try gorgeous, but you don’t fool anyone.
William: Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
Anna Scott: After all… I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
Bernie: But she said she wanted to go out with you?
William: Yes – sort of…
Bernie: That’s nice.
Bernie: Well, you know, anybody saying they want to go out with you is… pretty great… isn’t it…?
William: It was sort of sweet actually – I mean, I know she’s an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line – but she said that she might be as famous as can be – but also… that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
William: Oh, sod a dog. I’ve made the wrong decision, haven’t I?
P.R. Chief: Dominic… if you’d like to ask your question again?
Journalist: Yes. Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain?
Anna Scott: [pause] Indefinitely.
Spike: Just going to the kitchen to get some food, then I’m going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.
William: I enjoyed the movie very much. I was just wondering, did you ever consider having more horses in it?
Anna Scott: Well, we would have liked to. But it was difficult, obviously, being set in space.
Bernie: I’m sorry I am so late. Bollocksed up at work again, I fear. Millions down the drain.
Honey: Oh God, this is one of those key moments in life, when it’s possible you can be really, genuinely cool – and I’m failing 100%. I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you and I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends. What do YOU think?
Keziah: No thanks, I’m a fruitarian.
Max: I didn’t realize that.
William: And, ahm: what exactly is a fruitarian?
Keziah: We believe that fruits and vegetables have feeling so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that have actually fallen off a tree or bush – that are, in fact, dead already.
William: Right. Right. Interesting stuff. So, these carrots…
Keziah: Have been murdered, yes.
William: Murdered? Poor carrots. How beastly!
Max: You haven’t slept with her, have you?
William: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
Max: “No comment” means “yes.”
William: No it doesn’t.
Max: Do you ever masturbate?
William: DEFINITELY no comment.
Max: You see? It means “yes.”
Anna Scott: What did you say?
Anna Scott: Yes you did.
William: No I didn’t.
Anna Scott: You said “whoopsidaisies”.
William: I don’t think so. No one says “whoopsidaisies” do they? Unless they’re…
Anna Scott: There *is* no “unless.” No one has said “whoopsidaisies” for fifty years and even then it was only little girls with blonde ringlets.
William: Exactly. Here we go again.
[He falls off the fence again]
William: Whoopsidaisies. It’s a disease I’ve got. It’s a clinical thing. I’m taking pills and having injections. It won’t last long.
William: It’s as if I’ve taken love heroin, and now I can’t ever have it again.
Anna Scott: Can I stay for a while?
William: You can stay forever.
William: I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.
Anna Scott: I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
Anna Scott: I can’t believe you have that picture on your wall.
William: You like Chagall?
Anna Scott: I do. It feels like how being in love should be. Floating through a dark blue sky.
William: With a goat playing the violin.
Anna Scott: Yes – happiness isn’t happiness without a violin-playing goat.
Honey: William just turned down Anna Scott.
Spike: You daft prick.
Anna Scott: Rita Hayworth used to say, “They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me.”
William: Who’s Gilda?
Anna Scott: Her most famous part. Men went to bed with the dream; they didn’t like it when they would wake up with the reality. Do you feel that way?
William: You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.
Max: Let’s face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna’s a goddess, you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.
William: Buggered, is it?
Max: Every time.
Spike: I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box, though.
Bella: Which way are you going?
Max: Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.
Bella: No, crazy, crazy. Go along Bayswater.
Honey: That’s right. Then Park Lane.
Bernie: No, straight down to the Cromwell Road, then left.
Max: [they continue arguing about the best routes to the Ritz, Max finally has enough and screeches to a halt] Stop right there! I will decide the route. All right?
William: Sorry Max.
Honey: Sorry Max.
Max: James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.
Spike: There’s something wrong with this yogurt.
William: Ah, that’s not yogurt, that’s mayonnaise…
Spike: Ah, right-o then.
[continues to eat it]
William: Is this your first film?
12-yr-old Actress: Well… actually it’s my 22nd!
William: Any favorites among the 22?
12-yr-old Actress: Working with Leonardo.
12-yr-old Actress: DiCaprio.
William: Of course. And is… is he your favorite Italian director?
Anna Scott: “For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her.” Some people do spend their whole lives together.
William: [leaving the restaurant after challenging the loud guys] I’m sorry.
Anna Scott: No, I love that you tried. Time was I’d have done the same thing. In fact…
[turns back and walks up to the loud table]
Anna Scott: Hi.
Loud Man in Restaurant: Oh. My. God.
Anna Scott: I just wanted to apologize for my friend – he’s very sensitive.
Loud Man in Restaurant: No, I mean…
Anna Scott: No, leave it. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm, I’m sure it was just friendly banter, I’m sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner, the tuna’s really good.
Anna Scott: So who left who?
William: She left me.
Anna Scott: Why?
William: She saw through me.
Anna Scott: Uh oh. That’s not good.
William: So how is he?
Anna Scott: I don’t know. It just got to the point where I couldn’t remember any of the reasons why we were together.
Bella: Do you want to stay?
William: Why not? All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.
[talking about Anna Scott]
Writer: Oh, I see she took your grandmother’s flowers.
William: Yeah… bitch.
William: Would you like something to eat? Something to nibble? Apricots, soaked in honey? Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting like apricots and makes them taste like honey… and if you wanted honey, you could just… buy honey. Instead of apricots. But nevertheless they’re yours if you want them.
William: Sorry about the “surreal but nice” comment.
Anna Scott: Don’t worry, I thought the whole apricot honey thing was the real low point.
William: Would you like a cup of tea before you go?
Anna Scott: No.
William: Orange juice? No, probably not… something else cold? Coke? Water? Some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?
Anna Scott: No.
William: Do you… always say no to everything?
Anna Scott: [thinks] No.
Spike: Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.
Anna Scott: What’s so annoying is now I’m so totally fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.
William: You have clauses in your contract?
Anna Scott: Yeah. “you may show the dent at the top of the artist’s buttocks, but neither cheek or if a stunt bottom is being used, artists must have full consultation”.
William: You have a stunt bottom?
Anna Scott: I *could* have a stunt bottom, yes.
William: Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?
Anna Scott: Well yeah, I would. This is important stuff.
William: Hell of a thing to put on your passport, Occupation “Mel Gibson’s bottom”
Anna Scott: Actually Mel does his own ass work. Well why wouldn’t he.
Anna’s Co-Star: God that’s an enormous arse.
Anna Scott: I’m not listening.
Anna’s Co-Star: Not honestly, it’s so sad, all those anorexic girls. She has enough to share around and still be big bottomed.
Anna Scott: I would think looking at something that nice, you and your bony little excuse for an arse would be well advised to keep quiet.
Anna Scott: What do you think?
William: Gripping. It’s not Jane Austen, it’s not Henry James but it’s gripping.
Anna Scott: You think I should do Henry James?
William: I think you’d be wonderful in Henry James but this writer – writers, they’re pretty good too.
Anna Scott: You never get anyone in “Wings of a Dove” saying “Inform the Pentagon we need black star cover!”
William: And for me the book is the poorer for it.
[William has gone to see Anna filming, the film is a costume drama]
Karen, Anna’s Publicist: Are you a fan of Henry James?
William: [after hitting his shin on a fence while climbing over it] Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile?
[Anna kisses him]
William: Nice garden.
Bernie: What’s the pay like in movies? I mean. Last movie. How much did you get paid?
Anna Scott: 15 million dollars.
Martin: Did you know, and this is pretty amazing, but I once saw Ringo Starr.
William: Where was that?
Martin: Kensington High Street. At least I think it was Ringo, um, it could have been that guy from Fiddler on the Roof. You know, Toppy.
William: Yes… yes that’s right, Topol.
William: Mmmhmmm. Actually, Ringo Starr doesn’t- doesn’t at all look like, uh, Topol.
Martin: Yes, but, he was- he was quite a long way away from me.
William: So it actually could’ve been neither of them.
Martin: Yes, I suppose, so.
William: It’s not really a classic, anecdote, is it?
Martin: Not a classic, no.
William: Calm down, have a cup of tea.
Anna Scott: No! I don’t want any goddamn tea!
Anna Scott: Oh really? So the entire British press got up this morning and said, “I know where Anna Scott is, she’s in that house with the blue door, in Notting Hill.” And then you go out, in your goddamn underwear…
Spike: [walks in] I went out in my goddamn underwear too.
William: [Spike is wearing Will’s wetsuit] Can I ask you why you are wearing that?
Spike: Combination of factors. No clean clothes.
William: There never will be unless you actually *clean* your clothes.
Spike: Vicious circle. And I was rooting around in your things and found this and thought groovy. Kind of… spacy.
Anna Scott: Busy tomorrow?
William: I thought you were leaving tomorrow?
Anna Scott: I was.
Jeff King: [to Will] Can you adios those dishes and take out that trash?
William: Apart from the American, I’ve only loved two girls, both absolute disasters. The first one marries me and then leaves me faster than you can say Indiana Jones, and the second one, who seriously ought to have known better, casually marries my best friend.
Bella: She still loves you though.
William: Yeah, in a depressingly asexual way.
Bella: I never fancied you much actually.
Spike: [about Anna who is staying with Will] Well, isn’t this a good opportunity to… slip her one?
William: Please, sod off.
Anna Scott: Ok.
William: No, no, no! I thought you were someone else. I mean I thought you were Spike, but I’m thrilled you’re not.
Anna Scott: What is it about men and nudity? Particularly breasts? How can you be so interested in them?
Anna Scott: But, but, seriously: they’re just breasts. Every second person in the world has them.
William: Oh, more than that, when you think about it: you know, Meat Loaf has a very nice pair.
Anna Scott: [laughs] But they’re… they’re odd looking, they’re for milk, your mother has them, you’ve seen a thousand of them… What’s all the fuss about?
William: Actually, I can’t think of what it is, really. Let me just have a quick look…
[peeks under blanket]
William: No, no, beats me.
Spike: [comes in after being photographed by the press] How did I look?
[looking in a mirror]
Spike: Not bad, not bad at all. Well chosen briefs I must say. Chicks dig grey.
[clenching his butt]
Spike: Nice. Firm. Buttocks.
William: [Anna has left after the press showed up on the doorstep] Was it you?
Spike: I may have told a few people down at the pub.
William: [to Martin] If I were to employ a wet rag would I have to pay it as much as I pay you?
William: [about Anna’s new film project] Any horses in that one? Or hounds for that matter; our readers are intrigued by both species.
Anna Scott: [seriously] It takes place on a submarine.
Honey: Hi Marty. Ooh! Sexy cardi!
Anna Scott: [they arrive at her hotel at the end of their date] Do you wanna come up?
William: Well, there seem to be lots of reasons why I shouldn’t.
Anna Scott: [nods her head in understanding and pauses] Do you wanna come up?
Anna Scott: Give me five minutes?
William: Max, this is Anna.
Max: [Smiles politely and shakes hands with Anna] Hello Anna
[Suddenly comes to a realisation as to whom Anna is]
P.R. Chief: Next question? Yes. You in the pink shirt.
William: Uh, right. Miss Scott, are there any circumstances that you and he might be more than just friends.
Anna Scott: I hoped that there would be but I’ve been assured that there’s not.
William: Yes, but what if…
P.R. Chief: I’m sorry. Just the one question.
Anna Scott: No. It’s alright. You were saying?
William: I was just wondering what if this person…
Journalist: Thacker. His name is Thacker.
William: Right. Thanks. What if, uh, Mr. Thacker realized that he had been a daft prick and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider if you would… indeed… reconsider.
Anna Scott: [pause] Yes. I believe I would.
William: That’s very good news. The readers of Horse and Hound will be absolutely delighted.
William: You’d go and I’d be… well buggered, basically.
Bella: The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life. no one knows why some things work out and some things don’t. Why some of us are lucky and some of us get…