[the Indians are on a plane during a thunderstorm]
Willie Mays Hayes: Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags.
Rick Vaughn: There aren’t any stewardesses.
Willie Mays Hayes: I wonder if they are any pilots.

——————————————————————————–

[to Ricky, while he’s listening to “Wild Thing” on the jukebox]
Lady: Wild thing, you make my heart sing.

——————————————————————————–

[after Rick has walked a bunch of batters]
Indians Fan: Wild Thing. You make my heart sing. You walk everything.

——————————————————————————–

Heywood: How’s your wife and my kids?

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven’t, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: I play for the Indians.
Chaire Holloway: Here in Cleveland? I didn’t know they still had a team!
Jake Taylor: Yup, we’ve got uniforms and everything, it’s really great!

——————————————————————————–

Rick Vaughn: [Seeing Harris take off his shirt, revealing white suff on his chest] What’s that shit on your chest?
Eddie Harris: [Looking at his chest] Crisco.
Eddie Harris: [wiping it across his head]
Eddie Harris: Bardol.
Eddie Harris: [wiping it along his waist line]
Eddie Harris: Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I’ll rub a little jalapeo up my nose, get it runnin’, and if I need to load the ball up I just…
Eddie Harris: [wipes his nose]
Eddie Harris: …wipe my nose.
Rick Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?
Eddie Harris: I haven’t got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

——————————————————————————–

[sliding into home plate in a tux]
Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express Card. Don’t steal home without it.

——————————————————————————–

[Dressed in tuxedos, every team member, except Willie, stands behind Home Plate and looks at us]
Everybody: Hello. Do you know us?
[Everybody, except Rick, puts on their caps]
Everybody: We’re a Major League Baseball team.
Jake Taylor: But since we haven’t won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us – not even in our own home town.
Eddie Harris: That’s why we carry the American Express card.
Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it’s cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.
Pedro Cerrano: [pointing to us] So if you’re looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.
Roger Dorn: Look what it’s done for US. People still DON’T recognize us but…
[Roger snaps his fingers]
Lou Brown: We’re contenders now.
[Also dressed in a tuxedo, Willie slides into home plate and holds up a green credit card]
Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express card: Don’t steal home without it.

——————————————————————————–

Rachel Phelps: I think he’ll fit right in with our team concept.
Charlie Donovan: That reminds me, I was going to ask you. What exactly *is* our team concept?

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: That’s my wife…
Willie Mays Hayes: Does she know that?
Jake Taylor: Well, she would’ve been if I hadn’t screwed it up… who’s that guy she’s with?
Willie Mays Hayes: I don’t know. He’s not wearing a nametag.
Rick Vaughn: Want me to drag him outta here, kick the s*** out of him?

——————————————————————————–

Charlie Donovan: Vaughn’s been looking good out there today.
Rachel Phelps: Don’t worry, he’ll blow it.

——————————————————————————–

Board Member 1: I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Rachel Phelps: The fact is we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven’t won a pennant in over thirty-five years, we haven’t placed higher than fourth in the last fifteen. Obviously it’s time for some changes.
Board Member 2: This guy here is dead!
Rachel Phelps: Cross him off, then!

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: That’s all we got, one goddamn hit?
Assistant: You can’t say goddamn on the air.
Harry Doyle: Don’t worry, nobody is listening anyway.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: Just a reminder, fans, comin’ up is our “Die-hard Night” here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: The post-game show is brought to you by…
[searches through his papers]
Harry Doyle: Christ, I can’t find it. To hell with it.

——————————————————————————–

[the Indians General Manager calls minor league coach Lou Brown at Tire World to offer him a position with the Indians]
Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou Brown: Gee, I don’t know…
Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don’t know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

——————————————————————————–

[Rookie pitcher Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch for the Indians in the playoff game]
Lou Brown: Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: I’m hung over, my knees are killin’ me and if you’re going to pull this shit at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees.

——————————————————————————–

Pedro Cerrano: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Roger Dorn: Shit, Harris.
Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?

——————————————————————————–

Tom: Stay away from her.
Jake Taylor: Suck my dick.

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: Second base… shit.

——————————————————————————–

Eddie Harris: Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: This guy threw at his own son in a father son game.

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: [at the library, discussing Jake’s one-night stand with a flight attendant] I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor.
Lynn Wells: Oh, what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does!
[everyone in the library turns to look]
Jake Taylor: She’s right.

——————————————————————————–

Willie Mays Hayes: Don’t you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.

——————————————————————————–

Pedro Cerrano: Hats for bats, keep bats warm.

——————————————————————————–

Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don’t fuck with me, Vaughn.
Rick Vaughn: Yeah?
[shouting]
Rick Vaughn: Fuck you.
Roger Dorn: What’s the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can’t you take a little joke?
Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole.
Lou Brown: All right,
[shouting]
Lou Brown: All right. Knock that shit off.
Roger Dorn: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I’m not about to take his shit.
Lou Brown: Shut up, Dorn.

——————————————————————————–

[Willie Mays Hayes has just made a ‘basket catch’ to end the inning]
Lou Brown: Nice catch, Hayes. Don’t ever fuckin’ do it again.

——————————————————————————–

[Introducing himself]
Willie Mays Hayes: Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.

——————————————————————————–

[to Hayes]
Lou Brown: You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit.

——————————————————————————–

Roger Dorn: Let’s cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: “Strike this mother fucker out.”

——————————————————————————–

Roger Dorn: I only got one thing to say to you, Vaughn. Strike this motherfucker out!

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: What I was concerned with was why you didn’t come up with that grounder that Rockert hit in the 9th
Roger Dorn: It was out of my reach, what do you want me to do dive for it?
Jake Taylor: Rog, it could have meant the game!
Roger Dorn: oh come on cut the rah rah shit Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs!
Jake Taylor: Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that’s none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don’t know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I’m gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fuckin throat!

——————————————————————————–

[Roger Dorn puts little effort into catching a line drive]
Lou Brown: Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don’t give me this “olé” bullshit!

——————————————————————————–

[Rick thinks he’s been cut from the team]
Rick Vaughn: I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m shit now, but someday you’re gonna be sorry you cut me. I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I’m gonna stick it up you’re fuckin’ ass!
[Throws baseball against locker]
Lou Brown: Good, I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn’t cut you.
Rick Vaughn: What?
Lou Brown: I think someone’s been having some fun with you.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: I thought you said we didn’t have any high priced talent.
Charlie Donovan: Forget about Dorn, he’s just high priced.
Pepper Leach: [Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle] Look at this fuckin’guy.
Lou Brown: My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.

——————————————————————————–

Pepper Leach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batters] You want me to go get him?
Lou Brown: No, keep him in. Let’s see how he reacts.
Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter] Interesting.

——————————————————————————–

Janice Bowden: I hear baseball players make awfully good salaries nowadays.
Jake Taylor: Well it all depends on how good you are.
Janice Bowden: How good are you?
Jake Taylor: I make the league minimum.

——————————————————————————–

Willie Mays Hayes: [looks over Jake’s shoulder and see’s him reading] Moby Dick? What you reading that for?
Jake Taylor: This happens to be a masterpiece of American Literature.
Willie Mays Hayes: [chuckles] Lynn turn you on to that?
Jake Taylor: Yeah… a long time ago.
Willie Mays Hayes: Well listen, if we ever get out of here, me and the other guys are going to a club later on tonight. You want to come with us?
Jake Taylor: [frustrated] Oh, I can’t, I got some reading to do.
Willie Mays Hayes: [rolls his eyes] What man, you got a test or something? Jake, man why don’t you just go over there and see her. Maybe she’ll let you slide on a couple of these.
Jake Taylor: Well I would if I knew where she lived.
Willie Mays Hayes: That’s easy! Just tail her home from the library.
Jake Taylor: You mean sit in my car and wait for her to get out of work and then follow her? That’s kind of juvenille don’t you think?
Willie Mays Hayes: [ponders it for a split second] Yeah!

——————————————————————————–

Willie Mays Hayes: What the hell league you been playing in?
Rick Vaughn: California Penal…
Willie Mays Hayes: Never heard of it. How’d you end up playing there?
Rick Vaughn: Stole a car.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: [before the playoff game] Monty, anything to add?
Colorman: Ummm… no.
Harry Doyle: He’s not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!

——————————————————————————–

Heywood: [Hayes has just reached on an infield single] You really knocked the crap out of that one.
Willie Mays Hayes: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this.
[shows Heywood his black gloves]
Willie Mays Hayes: I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I’m gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.
Heywood: My ass.
Harry Doyle: [Hayes takes his lead off first base] We don’t know where Hayes played last year, but I’m sure he did a hell of a job.
Heywood: Real hard to steal second with your shoe untied.
Harry Doyle: [Hayes looks down, then gets thrown out by the pitcher] Throw to first… Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.

——————————————————————————–

Willie Mays Hayes: [to Jake] Cerrano’s looking for some extra power for tonight. He’s looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Man, we can’t have people puking in the locker room before the game!

——————————————————————————–

Rachel Phelps: [Charlie and Rachel are having a meeting about the team] Any ideas?
Charlie Donovan: On how we can get worse?
Rachel Phelps: Mmmmm…
Charlie Donovan: How about a series of fines for good play? Maybe a $30,000 bonus to the guy voted Least Valuable Player.
Rachel Phelps: Maybe the problem is… we’re coddling these guys too much. Yeah!

——————————————————————————–

Heywood: Going somewhere, meat?
Willie Mays Hayes: About 90 feet.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please?
[picks up a bat and leans on it like a walking stick]
Lou Brown: I have something I think you all ought to know about.It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn’t think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we’d be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami… and get rid of all of us for better personnel.
Roger Dorn: Even me?
Lou Brown: Even you, Dorn.
Eddie Harris: What if we DON’T finish last?
Lou Brown: She’ll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you’ll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.
Jake Taylor: [Jake stands up] Well then I guess there’s only one thing left to do.
Roger Dorn: What’s that?
Jake Taylor: Win the whole fucking thing.
[long pause]
Willie Mays Hayes: [Willie stands up] Yeah.
Pedro Cerrano: [Pedro pounds his hand] YES!
[everyone talks amongst themselves]

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: [an Indians pitcher is removed from the game] Well, you can close the book on Kellner.
[under his breath]
Harry Doyle: Thank God!

——————————————————————————–

Eddie Harris: Up your butt, Jobu.

——————————————————————————–

[a naked Lou Brown tries to take a bath, but the whirlpool is broken]
Lou Brown: I’ve had it with this nickel and dime stuff! I want that bitch on the phone!
Rachel Phelps: [enters the locker room] You wanted to talk to the bitch?
Lou Brown: Yes!
Rachel Phelps: Don’t you think you oughta cover yourself up with a towel first, Mr. Brown?
Lou Brown: We’re out of towels, and I’m too old to go diving into lockers.
Rachel Phelps: I can take it if you can.

——————————————————————————–

Willie Mays Hayes: We should’ve got the live chicken.

——————————————————————————–

Pepper Leach: [Rick Vaughn arrives at spring training] Look at this fucking guy.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: JUST a bit outside.

——————————————————————————–

[first lines]
Rachel Phelps: Good morning, gentlemen, and welcome to another season of Indians baseball.

——————————————————————————–

[last lines]
Pedro Cerrano, Eddie Harris: We did it! We did it!

——————————————————————————–

Rick Vaughn: [converses with Taylor on the mound] Fucking Dorn! This game should be over by now. He could’ve had that ball, he tanked it on purpose!
Jake Taylor: Hey! This isn’t the California Penal League, Vaughn, we’re professionals here! We don’t tank plays for personal reasons, so cut the cry baby shit! Now, you’ve pitched a hell of a game, you want to finish it, don’t you?
Rick Vaughn: Yeah.
Jake Taylor: Good… think you can get a strike on this guy?
Rick Vaughn: Won’t be much on it, my arm feels like Jello right now.
Jake Taylor: Just get it over the plate, I want him to swing.
Rick Vaughn: The last time I did that, the guy hit a ball that hasn’t even landed yet!
Jake Taylor: [grins] Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.

——————————————————————————–

Ross Farmer: [watches a homerun from the opposing team sail into the stands] Oh no, no. Too high, it’s too high.

——————————————————————————–

[from trailer; cut from final film; line reincarnated in Major League II]
Jake Taylor: [Vaughn is lamenting the long home run he gave up] That ball wouldn’t have been out of a lot of parks.
Rick Vaughn: Name one.
Jake Taylor: Yellowstone?

——————————————————————————–

Willie Mays Hayes: [waking up to find himself outside with the others already running] Shit! I’ve been cut already?
[runs in his pajamas along with the two players already being timed]
Pepper Leach: Who the hell is that?
[Hayes overtakes the other 2 players despite their head start. Leach shows his time on the stopwatch to Lou Brown]
Lou Brown: Get him a uniform.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: [Lou’s talk to the team before the opening day game] All right people, we got 10 minutes ’till game time, let’s all gather ’round. I’m not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we’d save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I’m for wasting sportswriters’ time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give ’em all a nice big shitburger to eat!
[entire team laughs]

——————————————————————————–

Charlie Donovan: [Taylor arrives to spring training] There’s Jake Taylor.
Lou Brown: He was an all-star in Boston, wasn’t he?
Charlie Donovan: Yeah, wound up in the Mexican League. Had problems with his knees.
Pepper Leach: Wish we had him two years ago.
Charlie Donovan: We did.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: [Dorn drives up in a fancy car] I thought you said you didn’t have any high-priced talent on this team.
Charlie Donovan: Forget Dorn, because he’s only high-priced. Picked him up as a free-agent three years ago.
Lou Brown: Still hits the ball well, doesn’t he?
Charlie Donovan: Yeah, just can’t field it.
[Dorn gives a cocky gesture]
Lou Brown: We’ll shape him up.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: [Cerrano arrives at spring training] Who is that?
Charlie Donovan: Must be Cerrano. Defected from Cuba, wanted religious freedom.
Lou Brown: What’s his religion?
Charlie Donovan: Voodoo.

——————————————————————————–

Pedro Cerrano: Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. Is very bad.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: [experimenting Vaughn] Okay Vaughn. They say you’re a pitcher, you’re sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves on this level, son.
[Vaughn pitches and hits the backstop fence, Brown talks to Leach]
Lou Brown: How Much?
Pepper Leach: [looking at his velocity gun] 96.
Lou Brown: [to Temple] We better teach this kid control before he kills somebody.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: What happened to the new whirlpool we’re supposed to get?
Rachel Phelps: We’re having a few problems that have forced us to cut back on equipment.
[taps Vaughn’s cup]
Rachel Phelps: Ooh! Cups still work, though. We simply have to fix the old whirlpool.
Lou Brown: Yep, that’s 6 times already. Now there is no hot water in the shower.
Rachel Phelps: The pipes in this building are old and rusty.

——————————————————————————–

Suzanne Dorn: Mind if I join you?
Rick Vaughn: I don’t think I’m very good company, right now.
Suzanne Dorn: Why not?
Rick Vaughn: The job I guess. I’m uh, a ball player.
Suzanne Dorn: That’s not why I’m here. I don’t chase ball players.
[Leans over to Vaughn]
Suzanne Dorn: I think you’re the sexiest man I have ever layed my eyes on.
Rick Vaughn: [calling the bartender] Check?

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: [Vaughn is coming out to pitch] So, here is Rick Vaughn, the one they call the “Wild Thing”. So, he sets and deals.
[Vaughn throws a wild pitch]
Harry Doyle: Just a bit outside, he tried for the corner and missed.
[Vaughn throws another wild pitch]
Harry Doyle: Ball 4.
[Vaughn throws another wild pitch]
Harry Doyle: Ball 8.
[Vaughn throws another wild pitch]
Harry Doyle: Low, and he walks the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close?

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: [about Haywood] Haywood is coming up to the plate, who is now leading the league in every offensive catagory, including nosehair.

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: [to himself, after commiting a bad throw to second base] Nice throw, dickhead.

——————————————————————————–

Eddie Harris: [looking at Vaughn’s new glasses] Hey, man, they look nice. I had a pair just like them.
Rick Vaughn: Well, after the game I’m gonna go pick out a pair that’s more me.
Eddie Harris: Good luck.
Lou Brown: They look good. Besides, seeing is the most important thing, son.
Willie Mays Hayes: I don’t think it’s that important.
Rick Vaughn: [looking back into mirror] Fuck…

——————————————————————————–

Eddie Harris: Hey, skipper. Are we gonna have a prayer?
[Dorn sulks]
Eddie Harris: you know, we’re not all savages, like Cerrano over there.
Pedro Cerrano: Sigatte, carbon.
Roger Dorn: Excuse me. I’ll be in the other room.
Eddie Harris: Dear lord, may we have…
[Cerrano ignites his ritual smoke]
Eddie Harris: Jesus Christ, Cerrano.
Pedro Cerrano: I gotta wake up my bat.

——————————————————————————–

Pedro Cerrano: I’m pissed off now, Jobu. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You don’t help me now. I say “Fuck you,” Jobu, I do it myself.

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: [in Mexico, he answers the phone] Hello?
Charlie Donovan: Jake Taylor, this is Charlie Donovan of the Clevland Indians. How would you like to play for us this season.
Jake Taylor: What?
Charlie Donovan: We would surely like to…
Jake Taylor: [interrupting] Is that you, Tolbert? Look, I am hung over, my knees are killing me and if you’re gonna pull this shit at least you can say you’re from the Yankees.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: Hey, Jake. Hows the knees holding up?
Jake Taylor: Great! Never been better.
Lou Brown: Mobility’s good? No problem getting off the throw to second?
Jake Taylor: No problemo.
Lou Brown: I need a catcher, Jake. Someone who can lead this team on the field. But I want the absolute truth, here, are you one-hundred percent?
Jake Taylor: Yeah, would I bullshit you about something like that?
Lou Brown: You better, if you wanna make this team.

——————————————————————————–

Lou Brown: Well, you can run like Hays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Everytime I see you hit one in the air, you owe me 20 push-ups.
Willie Mays Hayes: Hey, no problem!
[pops a ball up]
Willie Mays Hayes: Shit.
[does push-ups]

——————————————————————————–

Jake Taylor: [to Rexman] Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television… if you don’t blow it. By the way, saw your wife last night, hell of a dancer, you must be very, very proud. I mean that guy she was with, I’m sure he’s a close personal friend and all. But tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head.
[Rexman pops the ball straight up]
Jake Taylor: Uh-oh, that’s it, I don’t think this one’s got the distance.

——————————————————————————–

Roger Dorn: Lou! Can I have a word with you, here?
Lou Brown: Sure.
Roger Dorn: See, I’ve got it right here in my contract. It says, “I don’t have to do any calisthenics that I don’t feel are necessary.” So what do you think about that?
Lou Brown: [drops the contract on the ground and urinates on it, then walks off]

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn accidentally hits Coleman of the Yankees] Uh, oh.
Lou Brown: Interesting.
Harry Doyle: [Seeing the Umpire throw out Vaughn] ‘Bout time it’s Eight nothing.
Umpire: You, you’re gone.
Rick Vaughn: What?
Umpire: You hear me, you’re gone.
Rick Vaughn: He was on top of the plate.
Heywood: Oh, c’mon that’s horseshit.
Lou Brown: [to Pepper] I think you can get him out of there.
Rick Vaughn: The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident.
Umpire: You threw at him intentionally.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: [as Haywood hits a high-fly ball] Haywood swings and crushes this one towrd South America. Tomlinson is gonna need a Visa to catch this one, it is out of here, and there is nothing left but a vapor trail.

——————————————————————————–

Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn throws 12 wild pitches and hits Coleman the next batter] Whoa! It’s about time, it’s 8-nothing.