Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion… love actually is all around.
Judy: All I want for Christmas is you.
Jamie: I’m so late.
Jamie’s Girlfriend: It’s just ’round the corner, you’ll make it.
Jamie: Are you sure you don’t mind me going without you?
Jamie’s Girlfriend: No, really, I’m just feeling so rotten.
Jamie: I love you.
Jamie’s Girlfriend: I know.
Jamie: I love you even when you’re sick and look disgusting.
Jamie’s Girlfriend: I know. Now go or you will actually miss it.
Jamie: Right. Did I mention that I love you?
Jamie’s Girlfriend: Yes you did. Get out, loser!
Eleonore: This year you bring a lady guest?
Jamie: Ah, no. There’s a change of situation. It’s just me.
Eleonore: Oh, am I sad or not sad?
Jamie: Uh, I think you’re not surprised.
Juliet: Banoffee pie?
Mark: No, thanks.
Juliet: Thank God. You would’ve broken my heart if you’d said yes.
Mark: Oh, right. Well, lucky you.
Juliet: I thought I might be able to swap it for some pie or… or maybe Munchies?
Mark: Actually, I was being serious. I don’t know where it is. I’ll have a poke around tonight…
Juliet: Mark, can I say something?
Juliet: I know you’re Peter’s best friend and I know you’ve never particularly warmed to me. Look, don’t… don’t argue. We’ve never got friendly. But I just wanted to say, I hope that can change. I’m nice. I really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie and… It would be great if we could be friends.
Mark: Doesn’t mean we’ll be able to find the video, though. I had a real search when you first called and couldn’t any trace of it, so…
Juliet: Well, there’s one here that says “Peter and Juliet’s Wedding”. Do you think we might be on the right track?
Jamie: “Grandi,” uh… grande familio. Grande predistione- The Christmas presents. Stupido.
Aurelia: [in Portguese] I will miss you. And your very slow typing… and your very bad driving.
Jamie: Er… Would you like the last, uh…?
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Thank you very much, but no.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] If you saw my sister, you’d understand why.
Jamie: That’s all right, more for me.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Just don’t go eating it all yourself, you’re getting chubbier every day.
Jamie: I’m very lucky, I’ve got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight.
Sophia Barros: [in Portuguese] Oh God – Say ‘yes’ you skinny moron!
Aurelia: Thank you. That will be nice. Yes is being my answer. Easy question.
Carla, the real friendly one: Hello, you must be Tony. I heard you were gorgeous.
Harry: Christmas shopping, never an easy or a pleasant task.
Mark: Enough. Enough now.
John: It’s Junction 13 that’s just murder, isn’t it? Total gridlock this morning.
Tony: You’ll come back a broken man.
Colin: Yeah, back broken from too much sex!
Jamie’s Girlfriend: Hurry up big boy, I’m naked and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home.
Prime Minister: Oh dear, it’s the Chancellor of the Exchequer on the other line.
Karen: No, it isn’t.
Prime Minister: I’ll call you back.
Karen: No, you won’t.
Prime Minister: I’m very jealous of your plane, by the way.
The President: Oh, thank you. We love that thing, I’ll tell ya.
Harry: And of course your mobile goes.
Juliet: I look quite pretty.
Juliet: I’ve just tried the wedding video and it’s a complete disaster, it’s come out all blue and wibbly.
Juliet: All I want is just one shot of me in a wedding dress that isn’t bright turquoise.
Peter: Who is it?
[Mark’s sign reads “say it’s carol singers”]
Juliet: It’s carol singers.
Peter: Well, give them a quid and tell them to bugger off!
Harry: Right, the Christmas party. Not my favorite night of the year, and your unhappy job to organize.
Mia: Tell me.
Harry: Well, it’s basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk-buy the guacamole and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.
John: I might get a shag at last!
Sam: But you know, the thing about romance is… people only get together right at the very end.
Daniel: Tell her that you love her.
Sam: No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel: Even better! Sam, you’ve got nothin’ to lose, and you’ll always regret it if you don’t! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You’ve seen the films, kiddo. It ain’t over ’til its over.
Karen: True love lasts a lifetime.
Karl: Life is full of interruptions and complications.
Mia: I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
Colin: I’m on Shag Highway heading West!
[on sheets of poster board]
Mark: With any luck, by next year – I’ll be going out with one of these girls.
[shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
Mark: But for now, let me say – Without hope or agenda – Just because it’s Christmas – And at Christmas you tell the truth – To me, you are perfect – And my wasted heart will love you – Until you look like this.
[picture of a mummy]
Mark: Merry Christmas.
Parky: This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas Number One. How’s it looking so far?
Billy Mack: Very bad indeed… Blue are outselling me five to one. But I’m hoping for a late surge. And if I reach Number One, I promise to sing the song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.
Parky: Do you mean that?
Billy Mack: Well of course I mean it, Michael. Do you want a preview, you old flirt?
[stands in front of Parky and flashes at him]
Parky: *That’ll* never make Number One!
Jamie: Beautiful Aurelia, I’ve come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person – because I hardly knows you – but sometimes things are so transparency, they don’t need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England.
Sophia Barros: [in Portuguese] Definitely go for England, girl. You’ll meet Prince William – then you can marry him instead.
Daniel: So what’s the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe… school – are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won’t be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that’s the case, yeah.
Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is… actually… I’m in love.
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I’m in love and I was before she died, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: [laughs] Aren’t you a bit young to be in love?
Daniel: Oh, well, okay… right. Well, I mean, I’m a little relieved.
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you’re right. Yeah, total agony.
Harry: Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you’ve been working here?
Sarah: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what… two hours?
Harry: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?
Sarah: Ahm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes.
Harry: I thought as much.
Sarah: Do you think everybody knows?
Sarah: Do you think Karl knows?
Sarah: Oh, that is… that is bad news.
Harry: Well I just thought maybe the time had come to do something about it.
Sarah: Like what?
Harry: Invite him out for a drink and then, after about twenty minutes, casually drop into the conversation the fact that you’d like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
Sarah: You know that?
Harry: Yes, and so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It’s Christmas.
Sarah: Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss!
Sarah: Do you love him?
Mark: Uh, b- What?
Sarah: No, I… I just thought I’d ask the blunt question.
Billy Mack: When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish, and now I’m left with no one. Wrinkled and alone.
Karen: So what’s this big news, then?
Daisy: [excited] We’ve been given our parts in the nativity play. And I’m the lobster.
Karen: The lobster?
Karen: In the nativity play?
Daisy: [beaming] Yeah, *first* lobster.
Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
Billy Mack: Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!
Dec: Billy, I understand you’ve got a prize for our competition winners.
Billy Mack: Yes I have, Ant or Dec. It’s a – it’s a personalized felt tip pen.
Press Conference Reporter: Mr. President, has it been a good visit?
The President: Very satisfactory indeed. We got what we came for, and our special relationship is still very special.
Press Conference Reporter: Prime Minister?
Prime Minister: I love that word “relationship.” Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship; a relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm… Britain. We may be a small country, but we’re a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham’s right foot. David Beckham’s left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.
[Natalie, a secretary, is greeting the Prime Minister]
Natalie: Hello, David. I mean “sir”. Shit, I can’t believe I’ve just said that. And now I’ve gone and said “shit” – twice. I’m so sorry, sir.
Prime Minister: It’s fine, it’s fine. You could’ve said “fuck,” and then we’d have been in real trouble.
Natalie: Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was gonna fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it!
[neither understands the other’s language]
Jamie: [in English] It’s my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It’s the saddest part of my day, leaving you.
Daniel: You’ve seen the films, kiddo. It ain’t over ’til it’s over.
Daniel: So, let’s go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So come on, it’s someone at school, right?
Daniel: Aha, good, good. And what does she – he – feel about ya?
Sam: *She* doesn’t even know my name. And even if she did, she’d despise me. She’s the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her because she’s heaven.
Daniel: Good. Good.
[sits on the couch next to Sam]
Daniel: Basically, you’re fucked, aren’t you?
Colin: American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.
Sam: Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
[talking about her ex-boyfriend]
Natalie: He says no one’s gonna fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
Prime Minister: Ah! You know, um, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.
Natalie: Thank you, sir. I’ll think about it.
Prime Minister: Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.
Colin: I am Colin. God of Sex. I’m just on the wrong continent, that’s all.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy Mack: For what?
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn’t often happen here at “Radio Watford” I can tell you.
Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I’ll tell you the truth.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh, best shag you’ve ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!
Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.
Prime Minister: [on the phone to his sister] I’m very busy and important. How can I help you?
Billy Mack: I realized that Christmas is… is the time to be with the people you love.
Billy Mack: And I realized that, as dire chance and… and… and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid-50s, and without knowing it I’ve gone and spent most of my adult life with a… with a chubby employee. And… and much as it grieves me to say it, it… it might be that the people I love is, in fact… you.
Joe: Well, this is a surprise.
Billy Mack: Yeah.
Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John’s, you’re as gay as a maypole!
Karen: Get a grip, people hate sissies. No-one’s ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.
Prime Minister: Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?
Sarah: [on phone] Hello, darling. No, no I’m not busy. No – fire away.
[after walking into 10 Downing Street for the first time and falling in love with a member of the domestic staff]
Prime Minister: Oh, no. That is so inconvenient.
[having just been exposed kissing Natalie on a school stage during a student concert in front of hundreds of children and parents]
Prime Minister: Right. So, not quite as secret as we’d hoped.
Natalie: What do we do now?
Prime Minister: Smile. Little bow. And a wave.
The President: I’ll give you anything you ask for – as long as it’s not something I don’t want to give.
Daniel: I’m afraid that there’s somethin’ really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it’s about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.
Karen: At the age of eleven?
Daniel: Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.
Prime Minister: I’d like to go to Wandsworth; the dodgy end.
PM’s chauffeur, Terry: Very good, sir.
[they drive to Wandsworth]
PM’s chauffeur, Terry: Harris Street. What number, sir?
Prime Minister: Oh, God. It’s the longest street in the world, and I have absolutely no idea.
[the Prime Minister is knocking on doors to find Natalie]
Harris Street old lady: Aren’t you the Prime Minister?
Prime Minister: Yes, in fact, I am. Merry Christmas.
Harris Street old lady: Oh…!
Prime Minister: Part of the service, now. Trying to get round to everyone by New Year’s Eve.
[to a portrait of Margaret Thatcher]
Prime Minister: *You* have this kind of problem? Yeah… of course you did, you saucy minx!
[At the altar, just before Peter is married]
Peter: No surprises?
Mark: No surprises.
Peter: Not like the stag night?
Mark: Unlike the stag night.
Peter: Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?
Mark: I do.
Peter: And it would have been much better if they’d not turned out to be men?
Mark: That is true.
Prime Minister: I’m not sure that politics and dating really go together.
The President: Really? I never found that.
Prime Minister: Yeah, well, the difference is you’re still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.
John: So, what do you reckon to our new Prime Minister, then?
Judy: Oh, I like him. I can’t understand why he’s not married, though.
John: Well, you know the type. He’s, uh, married to his job. Either that, or gay as a picnic basket.
[Rufus places the necklace box in a cellophane bag, opening one drawer and another, scooping amounts of small roses and lavender in the bag. He then pulls out a four-inch cinnamon stick]
Harry: What’s that?
Rufus: It’s a cinnamon stick, sir.
Harry: Actually, I really, uh, can’t wait.
Rufus: Oh, you won’t regret it, sir.
Harry: Wanna bet?
[he ties it around the bag with a piece of string]
Rufus: ‘Tis but the work of a moment. There we go. Almost finished.
Harry: [sarcastically] Almost finished? What else can there be? Are you gonna dip it in yogurt? Cover it with Chocolate Buttons?
[at his wife’s funeral]
Daniel: Jo and I had uh, a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her, uh, requests – for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral – I was confident she expected me to ignore.
[on being introduced to Terence, the head of the Downing Street staff]
Prime Minister: I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him. I think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you.
[the new Prime Minister has just arrived in Number Ten Downing Street]
Annie: Would you like to meet your household staff?
Prime Minister: Yes, I would like that very much, indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country.
Annie: Right, I’ll go get my things, and then let’s fix the country, shall we?
Prime Minister: Yeah, I can’t see why not.
Billy Mack: I left Elton’s, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.
Joe: Well, Bill…
Billy Mack: It’s a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.
Billy Mack: This is shit, isn’t it?
Joe: [gleefully] Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.
Daniel: We need Kate, and we need Leo. And we need them now. Come on.
[they go in and watch Titanic (1997)]
Prime Minister: Oooooo, would we call her chubby?
Billy Mack: Let’s get pissed and watch porn.
Sam: By the way, I feel bad. I never asked you how your love life is going.
Daniel: [mock chuckles] No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.
Daniel: No, no, we’ll want to have sex in every room. Including yours.
Colin: Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady
Prime Minister: Ah, hello. Is, er, Natalie in?
Natalie: [coming down stairs] Where the fuck is my fucking coat?
[sees Prime Minister]
Natalie: Oh, hello.
Prime Minister: Hello.
Colin: America, watch out, here comes Colin Frissell!
[pauses and turns, holding his hands out as if describing a large fish]
Colin: [in a much deeper voice] … And he’s got a big *knob*!
Colin: [after insulting the food] And what do you do Nancy?
Nancy the caterer: I’m a cook.
Colin: Ever do weddings?
Nancy the caterer: Yes I do.
Colin: They should have asked you to do this one.
Nancy the caterer: They did.
Colin: God I wish you hadn’t turned it down.
Nancy the caterer: I didn’t.
Colin: Try my lovely nuts.
[having just sung the words “Love is all around me” instead of “Christmas is all around me” yet again]
Billy Mack: Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!
Jamie: Good evening. Mr. Barros?
Mr. Barros: Yes?
Jamie: I am here to ask your daughter for her hands in marriage.
Mr. Barros: You want to marry my daughter?
Mr. Barros: [yelling toward the back of the house] Come here, there is a man at the door. He wants to marry you.
[a large and confused woman emerges]
Sophia Barros: But I’ve never seen him before.
Mr. Barros: Who cares?
Sophia Barros: You’re going to sell me to a complete stranger?
Mr. Barros: Sell? Who said ‘sell?’ I’ll pay him.
Jamie: Pardon me. I’m meaning your other daughter – Aurelia.
[at his wife’s funeral]
Daniel: When she first mentioned what’s about to happen, I said, “Over my dead body.” And she said, “No, Daniel, over mine… ”
Karen: Now which doll shall we give Daisy’s little friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?
[Natalie runs up to the Prime Minister at Heathrow airport and leaps into his arms]
Prime Minister: God, you weigh a lot!
Natalie: Oh, shut your face!
Colin: Exciting news!
Colin: I’ve bought a ticket to the States. I’m off in three weeks.
Colin: Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.
Colin: Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin! Whoo hoo!
Tony: No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they’re already going out with rich, attractive guys.
Colin: Nah, Tone, you’re just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.
Tony: That is total bollocks. You’ve actually gone mad, now.
Colin: No, I’m wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.
Tony: No, Colin, no!
Colin: Ja, darling!
Karen: Mia’s very pretty.
Harry: Is she?
Karen: You know she is, darling. Be careful there.
Karen: The trouble with being the Prime Minister’s sister is, it does put your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country. And what did I do? I made a papier maché lobster head.
[Aurelia meets Juliet, Mark, and Peter in the airport]
Aurelia: Jamie’s friends are so good looking! He never tells me this. I think, maybe now I have made the wrong choice? Picked wrong Englishman?
Jamie: She can’t speak English properly, she-she doesn’t know what she’s saying.
[deleted scene; Daniel and Sam are discussing Sam’s true love]
Daniel: Option One: ask her out.
Daniel: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.
Sam: She’s the most popular girl in school and she hates boys.
Daniel: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.
Sam: It’s a route I’ve considered.
Daniel: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of…
Sam: Daniel, I have a plan!
Daniel: Thank the Lord! Tell me.
Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don’t they?
Sam: Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.
Daniel: That’s right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God’s sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!
Sam: [looks at him strangely] Whatever.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl: [points to beer bottle] What do you call that?
Colin: Uh, Bottle.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [giggling, mimicking accent] BOHT-el!
Jeannie, American Angel: [points to straw] What about this?
Colin: Uh, straw.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [mimicking accent] Strohw!
Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [points to table] What about this?
Colin: Uh, table.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [starting to repeat] Tab – Oh, the same. It’s the same.
[Colin nods apologetically]
Jamie: You learned English?
Aurelia: Just in cases.
Sam: There’s this big concert at the end of term, and Joanna’s in it. And I thought, maybe if I was in the band, and played absolutely superbly, there’s a chance that she might actually fall in love with me. What do you think?
Daniel: I think it’s brilliant! I think it’s stellar! Uh, apart from the one, obvious, tiny, little baby little hiccup…
Sam: That I don’t play a musical instrument.
Sam: A tiny, insignificant detail.
Daniel: [knocks on Sam’s door] Sam, time for dinner.
Sam: I’m not hungry.
Daniel: Sam… I’ve done chicken kebabs!
Sam: Look at the sign on the door.
[he starts practising his drums; Daniel leans back and looks at the sign, which says, “I SAID – I’M NOT HUNGRY”]
Daniel: You know, Sammy, I’m sure she’s unique and extraordinary, but… the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn’t just one person for each of us.
Sam: There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me.
[holds up one finger]
Sam: She’s “the one”.
Daniel: Fair enough.
Karen: Loitering around the jewelry section, I see!
Harry: No. I was just looking around.
Karen: Don’t worry, my expectations are not that high after 13 years of Mr. “Oh-but-you-always-LOVE-scarves”! Actually, I do love this one.
Harry: [to Rufus the gift-wrapper] NO! No bloody holly!
Prime Minister: Hello, does Natalie live here?
Harris Street little girl: No, she doesn’t.
Prime Minister: Oh, dear. Okay.
Harris Street little girl: Are you singing carols?
Prime Minister: Uh, no. No I’m not.
Her friend: Please, sir, please?
Her friend: Please!
Prime Minister: Well, I suppose I could.
Her friend: Please?
Prime Minister: Alright.
Harris Street little girl, Her friend, Her friend: Yay!
Prime Minister: [singing] Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen /
[his driver joins in]
Prime Minister: When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even / Brightly shone the moon that night…
[Billy’s record makes #1]
Radio 1 chart show DJ: Hi, Billy!
Billy Mack: Hello.
Radio 1 chart show DJ: We’re live across the nation, and you’re number one!
Radio 1 chart show DJ: How will you be celebrating?
Billy Mack: I don’t know. Er, either I could behave like a real rock-and-roll loser, and get drunk with my fat manager, or when I hang up I’ll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties.
Radio 1 chart show DJ: Let’s hope it’s the latter. And here it is, Number One from Billy Mack, it’s “Christmas Is All Around.”
Billy Mack: Oh, Jesus, not that crap again!
[Billy’s record makes #1 at Christmas; he gets a phone call]
Billy Mack: Hello? Elton! Of course. Of, of course! Send an embarrassingly big car and I’ll be there!
Mia: It’s an art gallery, full of dark corners, for doing… dark deeds.
Jamie: [learning Portuguese] Oh my God, I’ve got a terrible stomach ache. It must have been the prawns. My goodness, this is a very big fish! It tastes delicious!
Jamie: It’s lovely-lovely to see you all… and, er… I’m off, actually.
Jamie’s mum: But, Jamie, darling!
Jamie: Sorry. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Jamie’s niece: I HATE Uncle Jamie!
Carol-Anne, American Goddess: The thing that’s gonna make it more crowded? Harriet.
Jeannie, American Angel: Oh, Harriet!
Carol-Anne, American Goddess: You haven’t met Harriet.
Colin: There’s a fourth one?
Carol-Anne, American Goddess, Jeannie, American Angel, Stacey, American Dreamgirl: Yeah.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl: Don’t worry, you’re totally gonna like her, ’cause she is the “sexy one.”
[Karl has given Sarah a lift home after the Christmas party. They are standing on her doorstep]
Karl: Well, I-I’d better go.
[he gives her a quick peck on the cheek, then they begin to kiss passionately]
Karl: Actually, I don’t *have* to go.
Sarah: Right. Good.
Karl: I mean…
Sarah: No-no that’s good. Just, um, would you excuse me for one second? Just…
[she moves round the corner, out of sight of Karl, dances a little jig for joy, then returns]
Sarah: Um, okay, that’s done. Um, why don’t you come upstairs in about ten seconds.
Mia: I don’t want something I need. I want something I want – something pretty.
[In the airport, Daniel, Carol, Sam, and Carol’s son are waiting. Joanna appears at the gate]
Sam: There she is!
[he runs to her]
Joanna Anderson: Hi!
[Sam wants to kiss her, but holds back]
Daniel: [watching] Agh! He should have kissed her…
Carol: No, that’s cool.
Daniel: And her name’s Joanna?
Sam: Yeah, I know, just like Mum. Spooky.
Daniel: Well, in one way then, we’re in luck. At least we still have the god-like genius of Scott Walker.
[he puts Scott Walker’s “Joanna” on the stereo, and they lip-sync to it]
Daniel: She’s going to say her final words, not through me, but inevitably, and ever so cruelly… through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.
[Daniel’s father-in-law has seen his computer screen loaded with adult websites; Daniel marches up to Sam’s room]
Daniel: Young man, I want to see you right now!
[Sam comes out]
Daniel: [whispering] Do you want to make fifty pounds? Yes or no?
Sam: [sizing him up quickly] I’d prefer a hundred.
Daniel: [moves to strangle him, then] Right. Then for the next five minutes, just agree with everything I say.
Juliet: [after watching Mark’s video of her] But… you never talk to me. You always talk to Peter. You don’t like me.
Mark: I hope it’s useful. Don’t show it around too much. It needs a bit of editing. Look, I’ve gotta get to a lunch. Early lunch. You can just show yourself out, can’t you?
Mark: It’s a… self-preservation thing, you see.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: How do you think the new record compares to your old classic stuff?
Billy Mack: Oh come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do the record’s crap.
Billy Mack: But wouldn’t it be great if Number One this Christmas wasn’t some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? All those young popsters, come Christmas Day… they’ll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls, and I’ll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn’t pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: I think you’re referring to ‘If you really love Christmas… ‘
Billy Mack: ‘Come on and let it snow…?’ Ouch!
Mikey, DJ interviewer: So, uh, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year’s Christmas Number One, ‘Christmas Is All Around.’ Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new prime minister in trouble already?
[trying to make conversation with Aurelia, who doesn’t understand a word]
Jamie: No, right. “Silence is golden,” as the Tremeloes said. Clever guys. Although I think the original version was by, uh, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Great, great, great band.
[hums “Silence is Golden”]
Jamie: Oh, shut up.
Karen: Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?
Harry: What position is that?
Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace, and come Christmas gave it to somebody else…
Harry: Oh, Karen…
Karen: Would you wait around to find out…
Parent: Good night!
Karen: Night, night. Happy Christmas!
[back to Harry]
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it’s just a necklace, or if it’s sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it’s a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool!
Karen: [voice breaking] Yes, but you’ve also made a fool out of me, and you’ve made the life I lead foolish, too!