Daily Archives: August 18, 2012

West Wing Pilot Quotes


Agent #1: It’s a nice morning, Mr. McGarry.
Leo McGarry: We’ll take care of that in a hurry, won’t we, Mike?
Agent #1: Yes sir.

Mallory O’Brian: I’m sorry to be rude, but are you a moron?
Sam Seaborn: In this particular area, yes.
Mallory O’Brian: The 18th president was Ulysses S. Grant and the Roosevelt Room was named for Theodore.
Sam Seaborn: Really?
Mallory O’Brian: There’s like a six-foot painting on the wall of Teddy Roosevelt.
Sam Seaborn: I should have put two and two together.
Mallory O’Brian: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: The thing is while there really are a great many things on which I can speak with authority, I’m not good at talking about the White House.
Mallory O’Brian: You’re the White House Deputy Communications Director and you’re not good at talking about the White House?
Sam Seaborn: Ironic, isn’t it?

John Van Dyke: If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn’t that too high a price to pay for free speech?
President Josiah Bartlet: No.
John Van Dyke: Really?
President Josiah Bartlet: On the other hand, I think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.

Toby Ziegler: I’m going to make a suggestion which might help you out, but I don’t want this gesture to be mistaken for an indication that I like you.

Leo McGarry: He’s a klutz, Mrs. Landingham, your president’s a geek.

[after the President is injured in a bike accident]
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, Mr. McGarry, have they done an X-ray?
Leo McGarry: Yup.
Mrs. Landingham: Is anything broken?
Leo McGarry: A four-thousand-dollar “Lynex Titanium” touring bike that I swore I’d never lend anyone.

Leo McGarry: Luther, ballpark, one year from today, where’s the Dow?
Economist #1: Tremendous. Up a thousand.
Leo McGarry: Fred, one year from today?
Economist #2: Not good. Down a thousand.
Leo McGarry: A year from today at least one of you’s gonna look pretty stupid.

Leo McGarry: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong… You’re spelling his name wrong… What’s my name? My name doesn’t matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I’m telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how…
C.J. Cregg: Leo.
Leo McGarry: They hang up on me every time.

C.J. Cregg: Is there anything I can say other than the President rode his bicycle into a tree?
Leo McGarry: He hopes never to do it again.
C.J. Cregg: Seriously, they’re laughing pretty hard.
Leo McGarry: He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J., what do you want me – the President, while riding his bicycle, came to a sudden arboreal stop.

Leo McGarry: Margaret, please call the editor of the New York Times crossword and tell him that Khaddafi is spelled with an H and two D’s and isn’t a seven-letter word for anything.

Toby Ziegler: You think the United States is under attack from 1,200 Cubans in rowboats?
Sam Seaborn: I’m not saying I don’t like our chances.
Toby Ziegler: Mind-boggling to me we ever won an election.

[talking about the President’s bike accident]
Donna Moss: And what was the cause of the accident?
Leo McGarry: What are you, from State Farm?

[President Bartlet’s first line]
President Josiah Bartlet: “I am the Lord your God, thou shalt worship no other god before me.” Boy, those were the days, huh?

Laurie: Tell your friend POTUS he’s got a funny name, and he should learn how to ride a bicycle.
Sam Seaborn: I would, but he’s not my friend; he’s my boss. It’s not his name, it’s his title.
Laurie: POTUS?
Sam Seaborn: President of the United States. I’ll call ya.

Sam Seaborn: Ms. O’Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I am a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says that a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that is not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean, while the governor of Florida wants to blockade the port of Miami. A good friend of mine is about to get fired for going on television and making sense. And it turns out that I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now, would you please in the name of compassion tell me which one of those kids is my boss’s daughter?
Mallory O’Brian: That would be me.
Sam Seaborn: You.
Mallory O’Brian: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Leo’s daughter’s first-grade class.
Mallory O’Brian: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Well, this is bad on so many levels.

[discussing a large group of Cubans currently floating from Havana to Miami on rafts]
Leo McGarry: How many are there?
Josh Lyman: We don’t know.
Leo McGarry: What time exactly did they leave?
Josh Lyman: We don’t know.
Leo McGarry: Do we know when they get here?
Josh Lyman: No.
Leo McGarry: True or false: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars, I’d be as informed as I am right now.
Josh Lyman: That’s true.
Leo McGarry: The Intelligence budget’s money well spent.

President Josiah Bartlet: Mrs. Landingham, what’s next?

Josh Lyman: Lady, the god you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud.

Toby Ziegler: I agree with Josh and I agree with C.J. and I agree with Sam. And you know how that makes me crazy…

Billy: Just tell me who to call.
Sam Seaborn: Well, you could call 1-800-BITE-ME

Toby Ziegler: We’re flying in a Lockheed Eagle series L1011. It came off the line 20 months ago. It carries a Sim-5 Transponder tracking system. Are you telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

[first line, offscreen]
Bartender: Two Absolut martinis up, another Dewars rocks.

[Sam’s first line]
Sam Seaborn: I don’t think we’re going to run the table, if that’s what you’re asking.

[Leo’s first line]
Leo McGarry: 17 across is wrong, it’s just wrong. Do you believe that, Ruth?

[C.J.’s first line]
C.J. Cregg: You can have a normal life. You’d be amazed at how normal I can be, See, it’s all about budgeting your time. This time, this hour – this is my time. 5:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. I can work out, as you see. I can think about personal matters. I can… meet an interesting man. The trick is…
[C.J.’s pager goes off]

[Josh’s first line]
Josh Lyman: Yeah, this is Josh Lyman. What’s going on?

[Toby’s first line]
Toby Ziegler: I’m just about done.

[Donna’s first line]
Donna Moss: Morning, Leo.

[Mrs. Landingham’s first line]
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, Mr. McGarry, have they done an X-ray?

[Mandy’s first line]
Mandy Hampton: Bruce? Bruce? Bruce? I may have just gotten back into the business this morning, but I didn’t come by way of a turnip truck, you know what I’m saying?

President Josiah Bartlet: With the clothes on their backs, they came through a storm. And those that didn’t die want a better life. And they want it here. Talk about impressive. My point is this: break’s over.

John Van Dyke: The First Commandment says Honor thy father.
Toby Ziegler: No it doesn’t
Josh Lyman: Toby…
Toby Ziegler: It doesn’t.
Josh Lyman: Listen…
Toby Ziegler: No if I’m going to make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we’re going to get the names of the damn commandments right.
Mary Marsh: Okay. Here we go.
Toby Ziegler: Honor thy father is the Third Commandment.
John Van Dyke: Then what’s the First Commandment?
President Josiah Bartlet: I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me. Boy, those were the days, huh?